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Literature Text
Children dancing in the street,
Raindrops made of steel-
Cradle songs of sweet remorse;
Aching winter chills.
Forgotten lives, left in heaps
Fished from flooded gutter.
If to be, a soul to keep
Cradle my shivering shoulders.
Rusty cheeks, rainy days-
Scarves of every color.
While away I watch,
My eyes, distraught;
A distant winter lover.
Raindrops made of steel-
Cradle songs of sweet remorse;
Aching winter chills.
Forgotten lives, left in heaps
Fished from flooded gutter.
If to be, a soul to keep
Cradle my shivering shoulders.
Rusty cheeks, rainy days-
Scarves of every color.
While away I watch,
My eyes, distraught;
A distant winter lover.
Literature
Tell me how
Tell me how
you can cause me
to turn red at a single phrase
Tell me how
you can cause me
to even forget my name.
Tell me how
you can cause me
to trip over my words
Tell me how
you can cause my
heart to be stirred.
Tell me how.
Because m'dear
Literature
A Haiku
Light well past Midnight
full moon glow, lamp post bright, or
Netflix Marathon
Literature
Informed Consent
A shoebox and a throttled scream.
There is no good grief. Not for me.
Red grey leaves can't bring me joy
They fall on my lap - my boy,
Girl, be still, didn't mean to,
Did not stop - knew what she'd do.
A shoebox and a throttled scream.
There is no good grief. Not for me.
Suggested Collections
Here, take some bad poetry. Or some half-decent poetry, I suppose. You're welcome!
Once again, too lazy to find a cover picture.
Once again, too lazy to find a cover picture.
Comments8
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Hello EvelynTaliette!
Congratulations on winning 1st Place in
's Memories and Resolutions Contest! As promised, here's the review for the winning piece ([link])! Be on the look out for a Feature Journal on my Profile, as well as two more reviews of works from your gallery!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
VISION: 3/5
"Children dancing in the street,
Raindrops made of steel-"
Although these first two lines establish a solid hook, they don't function to que me into the story being told. I get the feeling of isolation, and a cold disconnect, but these initial lines are easy to forget when you start writing the "heart" of the piece in stanza 2.
ORIGINALITY: 4/5
The Speaker gives me a strong sense of who the Subject (the person she/he is watching) is like. This person seems cold, uncaring how his/her actions effect people around him/her. It sets up the underlying questions:
1) "Why does the Speaker feel attracted to this person?
2) How did his/her actions change the Speaker's view of the world?"
These underlying concepts keep me hooked until the last line, but only after the start of the second stanza.
TECHNIQUE: 4/5
Cadence:
The off-rhymes and syllable rhythms give the words a lilt that moves the reader through the verses. The strength comes across in Stanza 2, with the staccato lines and the Speaker admitting that he/she wants their lover to hold them, no matter the consequences of their actions.
Stanza 1: There seems to be a disconnect between this and the second stanza, at least there's a distance in concept that throws me off as a reader and a poet.
Stanza 2:
"Children dancing in the street,
Raindrops made of steel-
Cradle songs of sweet remorse;
Aching winter chills."
The starting image is definitely strong, but I'm unsure how the children connect to the Subject (the distant winter lover) and the Speaker of the poem. I'm also thrown off by the clashing imagery in the title "Man of Ice" (suggesting a fickle nature and a vulnerability) and "rain of steel" (suggesting strength), unless the idea of the imagery is that the man, and woman/man involved with in the lover's tryst are being worn down by the cutting elements.
"Rusty cheeks, rainy days-"
The imagery in this line packs a punch. All of a sudden we're given color, emotion, and context to the lover's emotional state.
"While away I watch,"
The inverted syntax fits in well with the cadence of the poem, shifting the focus from an internal thought to an outer action.
IMPACT: 5/5
The imagery and emotions really get the reader to feel cold and to understand the distance between the Speaker and the Lover. I think it's that distance, and wanting to be cared for that makes this piece something a larger audience can relate to.
Congratulations on winning 1st Place in
's Memories and Resolutions Contest! As promised, here's the review for the winning piece ([link])! Be on the look out for a Feature Journal on my Profile, as well as two more reviews of works from your gallery! _______________________________________________________________________________________________
VISION: 3/5
"Children dancing in the street,
Raindrops made of steel-"
Although these first two lines establish a solid hook, they don't function to que me into the story being told. I get the feeling of isolation, and a cold disconnect, but these initial lines are easy to forget when you start writing the "heart" of the piece in stanza 2.
ORIGINALITY: 4/5
The Speaker gives me a strong sense of who the Subject (the person she/he is watching) is like. This person seems cold, uncaring how his/her actions effect people around him/her. It sets up the underlying questions:
1) "Why does the Speaker feel attracted to this person?
2) How did his/her actions change the Speaker's view of the world?"
These underlying concepts keep me hooked until the last line, but only after the start of the second stanza.
TECHNIQUE: 4/5
Cadence:
The off-rhymes and syllable rhythms give the words a lilt that moves the reader through the verses. The strength comes across in Stanza 2, with the staccato lines and the Speaker admitting that he/she wants their lover to hold them, no matter the consequences of their actions.
Stanza 1: There seems to be a disconnect between this and the second stanza, at least there's a distance in concept that throws me off as a reader and a poet.
Stanza 2:
"Children dancing in the street,
Raindrops made of steel-
Cradle songs of sweet remorse;
Aching winter chills."
The starting image is definitely strong, but I'm unsure how the children connect to the Subject (the distant winter lover) and the Speaker of the poem. I'm also thrown off by the clashing imagery in the title "Man of Ice" (suggesting a fickle nature and a vulnerability) and "rain of steel" (suggesting strength), unless the idea of the imagery is that the man, and woman/man involved with in the lover's tryst are being worn down by the cutting elements.
"Rusty cheeks, rainy days-"The imagery in this line packs a punch. All of a sudden we're given color, emotion, and context to the lover's emotional state.
"While away I watch,"The inverted syntax fits in well with the cadence of the poem, shifting the focus from an internal thought to an outer action.
IMPACT: 5/5
The imagery and emotions really get the reader to feel cold and to understand the distance between the Speaker and the Lover. I think it's that distance, and wanting to be cared for that makes this piece something a larger audience can relate to.